"As children of God, knowing of His great love and His ultimate knowledge of what is best for our eternal welfare, we trust in Him. The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and faith means trust.”
Healing the Sick Dallin H. OaksLike I've mentioned before, there are several reasons for me to find happiness in my own body. Losing the weight is only one of my goals- a means to an end. A very happy and blessed end, hopefully. Babies. Being diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome at the age of 15 was hard for me. Harder when two days before my 18th birthday my doctor said I needed to get my ovary removed and (shockingly) even more difficult when in the pro-op the surgeon said I no longer needed the surgery. Crying in the car ride home with my mom, I was struggling to figure out why it was more painful to take the fact the doctors didn't understand what was going on in my body. Shouldn't I have been relieved to know I didn't need any surgery?!?! It was frustrating. I think I hoped the surgery would fix everything. Erase the problems on my ovarian chalkboard.
Worries of getting pregnant and keeping it full term has, for years, been a reality of mine. I've been told since I was 15 I would need assistance and sadly, let it effect the way I felt about myself. The inner war was always there. Most of the times I won the battles. Other times I'd end up crying. Losing my composure equated to losing the battle. More winning the older I got and stronger in my faith that my Heavenly Father would provide.
Fast forward to last week. In the hospital in Williamsburg, VA. The doctors told me I had a septated uterus. This means there is an extra lining down the middle that shouldn't be there. Easy fix thanks to modern surgical procedures. Not so easy is the process to get to the fertility clinic that does the surgery. I've been pretty good about dealing with that news. First the issues with my ovaries, now my uterus... "MUTINY!" was what I kept thinking and that made me laugh a little- lighten the mood enough to push back the depressing thoughts of not being able to get pregnant. Travis and I have been trying for months now. Yes, it's very common to try with no luck for much longer than that. I know. Still, I kept hoping for a miracle second blue line that hasn't shown up so I could prove all those doctors wrong.
Today I had my gynecology appointment to refer me to the fertility clinic. I was anxious for what the doctor would say and after an extremely frustrating morning at a different doctor's office and a innocent joke about finding a surrogate by Travis, it bubbled over the top. I found myself turning on the shower, sitting down in the tub and crying. Angry tears. Sad tears mostly. Part of it pity for myself honestly. The major part was feeling like I was letting down my sweet husband who's already had to wait until his 30's to begin thinking about kids. There is something soothing about crying in the shower. Water noise to cover my crying and water running to camouflage my tears. A better healing balm is my husband who is willing to hold my face and remind me he didn't marry me for my uterus or ovaries. He loves me. I love him.
I got the referral from the gynecologist today. I'll need the surgery before I can get or stay pregnant and unfortunately I can't even get in to be seen until the end of September. 6 weeks. Then I'll have a pre-op and post-op time period before being able to try again. We'll have a few months to wait.
If it wasn't for the horrible pain that sent me to the hospital in Virginia, I wouldn't have known about my septated uterus and mind you, I've had ultrasounds before that haven't caught it. If I didn't know about the septated uterus, I wouldn't have gone to the OBGYN so quickly. Which means we would have much, much longer to wait. I'm thankful for the day in Virginia and that if Heavenly Father had to hit me over the head...er...across the stomach to get me to the specialist, he did it when I had my husband, parents and sisters to help me. Tender mercy.
What Travis and I are going through is nothing compared to what other people have had to face. It's all about keeping it in perspective. I'm incredibly blessed to have a body. It's a gift from God and I intend to show my appreciation to him by learning how to truly be happy in it.
"Fear is the opposite of faith. We move forward, certain that the Lord will watch over us, particularly in the family.”
The Power of the PriesthoodBoyd K. Packer
You are learning about the complexities, inequities and pain of life quite early. I wish I could guarantee that everything will turn out as you desire. Since I can't I will only send good karma your way for peace and health during the procedures. <3
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